Friday, 11 October 2013

Exciting New Social Media Opportunity

As you all no doubt know by now, although I'm a massive sceptic and really adept at spotting the stupidity and ineffectiveness of most behaviours, I am also not averse to borrowing from proven campaigns which have proven effective and are pretty much in the public domain[1]. As a result, I've decided to launch a new campaign, (which will doubtless gain amazing traction on Twitter,) to highlight the fallacious nature of the current (tiresome) online discourse on religion.

Much like the philosopher John Gray, I am of the belief that mainstream "humanism" is hamstrung by its opposition to monotheism[2]. Rather than define themselves with a legitimate credo, the neck-bearded "atheists" of Reddit and such like prefer to drone on about how they're being opressed by religion and prattle on about "the wonder of science".

I'm sorry, but you're not going to beat centuries of established religion with a few whiney posts preaching to the converted[3], what you need is organised religion's biggest enemy – Paganism. 

Countless millenia old and far more approachable than General Relativity, Paganism should be re-embraced by the masses with the intention of really pissing off the established religious hierarchy.

Just imagine – each December we can don outlandish Grecian clothes, give out knucklebones and pottery and have masters wait on servants[4], hilarious.

io Saturnalia

And that's why I'm launching the "I Need Paganism Because..." campaign. We'll be able to highlight the appeal of Paganism to a wider audience, and once people start submitting their own explanations I can just sit back and wait for the book deal.

Here are a few to get you started.

I Need Paganism Because:
Any "god" who's free to to materialise in corporeal and sanguinal form every Sunday can't have that busy a schedule[5]

I Need Paganism Because:
No deity should be resistant to depictions/images of Himself – resource-stripping slave-built statues should be erected in his name[6], or at least he could appear in a comic book.

Or in this case, on the side of a can of sweetcorn
- brand awareness is key

I Need Paganism Because:
No god should rely on individual humans to proselytize for Him. He should get a load of swans to do it, or better yet, He should ride around the sky on an 8-legged demi-god/horse mongrel shouting about how great He is to all and sundry.

It's best not to ask what's going on between his legs

Spread the word!


[1] They may not be legally "in the Public Domain", but there's no way anyone can mount a substantive case against me, so don't even bother getting your lawyer to write me a letter.

[2] I'm not so sure about Gray's fondness for Oriental and African proverbs and epigrams to prove his points – Western European folk wisdom not enough for you, eh Johnny?

[3] I realise the irony of using this terminology to refer to those who claim to abhor religion, I'm trying to wind them up.

[4] Let's not make a habit of it, though.

[5] cf the Pacific islanders who worship Prince Philip, who has appeared to them in living memory, yet they accept that he's a busy man and they can't just expect him to drop everything and pop over any time they have a get together.

[6] These should be built by enemies of His followers, or followers of His enemies, whichever are available.